There’ve been segments and periods of time in my life which re-wrote the equation which my life unfolds in. Unless I’m unbelievabley confused (sometimes I think I am), all of us have these times. Those times are characterized by a sense of hardship and suffering because it requires a fundamental change of mind and spirit together. It requires you to relinquish a part of your self. I’m not a expert in this field, but its been my experience that the psyche desperately clings to a sense of self, whether or not its a deluded one.
This will be the first part in a series of blogs about what I consider to be the most fundamental change of course in my life. It happened by accident, and sometimes I wonder what kind of Karma I must’ve made to have been meet with an experience like this one. I can never be sure, but I have the feeling that this story is still writing itself.
Taking LSD for the first time, and subsequently afterwards, changed my life. I cant tell you that it changed me for the better or the worst. It just changed me. And whether or not change has been confortable, it is beautiful if you know how to bear it with grace.
The time was six years ago, and I had just finished high school. I graduated without knowing which move to make next. I knew what my options were, but l didn’t have any real conviction. Around that time, I decided to take a step away from my religion to do more exploration of the world. I decided that I needed to “try more things”. That mindset is what introduced me to LSD. So when I was 19 years old, I “tried” it. If I’d have known what I was actually signing up to “try”, than I undoubtedly would have tried something less challenging, like eating nutmeg or getting wasted.
My trip companions were two of my closest friends. We picked a warm summer night for a night trip in our cozy house in Salt Lake City. The three of us ate our strips with all the wrong anticipation. My world was never the same after that.
I can only describe what followed as sacred and spiritual. I’ve spent years trying to find the words to articulate the state of being that I experienced. I still haven’t found the words.
Prior to then, I only knew myself and the world through a narrow lense. With my limited perspective as a devout Christian, I thought I had a firm foundation on which I stood. I thought I had an understanding of my purpose and of where I could turn for peace. So you can imagine how my first trip was enriched with awe and wonder as well as fear and terror.
Two hours after drop time, I was curled in fetal position on the sofa. I was horrified, afraid and sick. My world turned dark and alone. The fear and trauma which I had burried away and forgotten, came to the forefront of my mind. What terrified me is that my grasp on the sense of time had slipped away and I was quickly spiraling down untill I was certain I’d gone crazy. I was having a bad trip. I was terrified enough that I wouldn’t move from where I was…
I clearly remember my friend telling me that I’d feel much better if I went outside to partake of the fresh air and relish in the clear night sky where the
stars would be shining bright. He wasn’t wrong because when I went outside, I realized that LSD is what you make it. I saw what beauty looks like in the trees and the stars.
We hung around the house that night, doing things that are fun to do on LSD. I spent a couple hours in a transcendent state of thonght. I made observations about the nature of mind, and thought. l explored a place to explore which cannot be said. It can only be known through experience. One way I can describe the state of mind is familiar. It’s the most familiar thing that happened to me. I knew that place better than I’ve ever known any person, place, or thing. Why was it so familiar? I didn’t know, but I came closer to knowing because LSD kept calling my name, and I kept going back.