One time, it was a little over a year ago.
I almost drove myself off the road. Not accidentally. I wanted this to be over. I didn’t really want to do it. I was torn. Torn between two parts of me. One part desperately wanted a release. It wanted to be free from something which was plaguing me. I couldn’t figure out how to stop it. It was a force against me, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Rather, it had me wrapped around its finger. Whatever it was, all it needed was time. A few months is all it took.
In all those months, I spend every ounce in me trying to break away from it. That took effort. It took my energy and juices. I didn’t give up. I kept on battling. But all it needed was a few month until my energy reserves were spent. I had nothing left to give. I had squeezed every ounce of me out. There was nothing left. I knew what would happen next. Self annihilation. Biological self preservation was gone and self annihilation was all there was left. Because I knew what was about to happen, all I could do next was panic. This happened to me while I was on the road.
The other part of me wanted life. It is something that you must dig deep to find. That depth to which you must find is so deep that you might not find it any other way than to be chopped down to your knees. I can’t describe it. It’s indescribable. If I were able to describe it then that description would make implications as to how it can be found. And I cannot say that. I can only say that I found it in the thin line between life and death.
I couldn’t rely on my tricks anymore. I had no more energy left. I did the right thing. I called my soul friend. The dynamic between her and I were strange at the time. We were distant on some level, but truly speaking, she knew my soul, and so it had to be her. Otherwise I would die. I was really in between a rock and a hard place. Not a very fair situation. I feel differently about it now, but that’s exactly how thought about it at the time.
I owe her my life. If she hadn’t been there to guide me to safety, I’d surely be dead. She’s on a holy pedestal in my book. It’s largely for that reason, but also because she mostly made me into the person I am today. And I love this person. And for that, I love her to.
My understanding is larger now. My view has expanded and I’ve understood much more about the nature of the suffering which brought me to that point. I’m not afraid to die. I don’t wish it, but I’m certainly ready to go at any time. That is between the Creator and I. I will die with a smile on my face and a tear of joy, you can be sure of that.
I’m in love with this life. It is the greatest wonder. It is that way because I’ve reduced myself and unionized with the rest of my existence. That is how I like to be. That is the only way I want to be in life. Anything else can go south. But one thing will always remain, and that is the smile on my face.