I wonder what the ratio of stranger to acquaintances who read my blog are. Nirvanablogs is still young. In fact, it turned a year old few days ago. Knowing my readers would help me know how to address you with my message.
Many of you may know and some of you may not know that I drive an ice resurfacing machine – the Zamboni. I have been doing it for years, and I’ve become quite good at it. I have mentioned this time and time before, but never on my blog. Driving the Zam might have been the best time to think over the years, and much of my evolution of thought has transpired while making ice. You know – it’s a very repetitive process. Driving becomes a focal point, and thinking happens around it. This makes thinking and driving the Zam a strangely good combination. I have laughed before, I have cried, and have sang loudly and I’ve danced – all while making ice (don’t tell my boss). I have the closing shift at the ice rink (the best shift for my “thinking” purposes). I have thought much lately about a character who played the role of the Senorita in the prologue of this novel.
My love J. She was and still is close to my heart. I regret having held resentment toward her in the time after we separated. A while ago, I let it go and that was true sweet release. Few things have felt sweeter than letting go of something held which hurt so deep. Even more strange maybe is the fact that as I examine again in retrospect, I realize that I don’t have anything to resent really. She gave me everything for a few years. She certainly taught me how to smile. That is one value which is most important to me now, and I learned it from her. Whether or not she did this by design, it matters not, she made me into a human being. A real alive human being. The being I am today. That moves me to tears, even now as I type these words. My love, I am deeply humble and grateful that she shared herself with me for a few years. Surely I did something right, for this mysterious creation to have graced my with her presence for a time. But just as all good things must come to an end, our engagement also meet its expiration.
What I regret is not having valued that season when it came. It is like a rope slipping out of your hands. It will slip out any way – that will happen – but it is surely your choice to loosen your grip lest you suffer being burnt! I got burnt. This is what happened.
We were young, and our love was on full throttle. It felt good. She was sweet, and her and I became a tender union. I keenly remember her saccharine smell like flowers. Her round eyes were so blue and always reminded me about the ocean. They stood in beautiful contrast to her fair skin. Her smile was sweet and charming, enough to catch the eyes from across the room. Her voice was feminine and her laugh was mature. I think I could listen to her speak for a long time, although it was normally I who did the speaking. Her touch was like an angel’s – or maybe it was just me in my lonely world who felt deprived from affection – either way, her touch was like soft electricity from the palm and fingers. All these things attracted me to her, and from the very start, I fell deep! Nothing in my life before had given me that kind of excitement.
I cannot say why our time came to its end, and though I spent enough time asking what was the meaning, I know that it brings more confusion. I know what could have been better. I held it against myself for a long while. “I should have! I could have!” This is no use. It leads to more hurt. There were other part of my life at the time which were seeping into my relationship with her. Those things I fixed because they were my problems not ours. One could say that our love was young and innocent: we were not always careful of it. And because we were not careful with our love, we got hurt by it. It is fragile. It’s tender. You have to be very careful with it. But we did not know. It was innocent. There is no blame to be placed. There is no one at fault. It is only life and the part of it.
I love her always. It feels like a dream now – yes, a very good dream! So much has changed between now and then. But those memories are still with me. They still make me laugh, smile and cry. Nothing can take that away, and my joy from it never expires! What a great time it was, and thank God for that!
I love you babe ❤