I Must Confess

Dear readers, from me to you, I genuinely wish you a weekend of life and positivity.

I came here to say that so that I’m going on a pilgrimage. I don’t know when or where. I only know that I am going because my heart has been calling for it. As the years come and go, I hone down my method of wellbeing and betterment. But, the longer I am on this path, the more I begin to realize that this world is not meant for me and that I haven’t found a place in it. I mean the world of conventionality.

I am not meant to do what everyone else is doing. I dont have burning desires to graduate college. I don’t have burning desires to be successful of make descent money. Neither do I feel it my duty to find a partner in marriage as of now.

I dont care to fit into other people’s version of me. I dont want anyone to be convinced of my choices. Right now, I dont wish to build very much.

I want to be loyal to me and my own experience in life. And the more I test this experience, the more I begin to realize that I am already perfectly equipt for a happy life, and a life with all the questions and all the answers. I ask many questions. And my questions have always been resolved within. I have a capable mind and body, there’s not a damn thing that society can give me to get me closer to where I want to be. I want to drop out.

But when I say these things, people thing I’m quite radical. They might even think I’m a little loony. I am not!

They are radical! Mass civilization and the modern world is radical! Every child is born perfect! But without our consent, our lives are determined for us from the time we are born. Look and see, this is how it is! They give a child a name, a nationality and a religion. And just as the childhood years are crucial for human development, they know to teach the child young. And they serve him the illusion of a free future with all the options that society offers. It’s not true. Religion and government comes together as a huge conspiracy against humanity.

My gospel is consciousness and awareness. Wake up, and see the true potential of what it means to be human being and human life. It’s my experience that the more you come alive and conscious, the more that society will rebel against you. The more your own ego will rebel against you.

Spirituality is an extra endeavor. Your mind, body and senses does not care to know the reality or existential. It cares to preserve your DNA, your lineage, and your ego. That is scientific! So becoming aware and catching the phyche dead in its tracks is mentally and emotionally and physically difficult. Your body wishes to indulge. But to be conscious is to abstain, and raise above the unconscious habit of compulsion.

Maybe most dangerously of all is the mind which will go to great length to keep ego, identity, and attachment. Our mind will make us suffer our entire lives in an effort to maintain individuality and construction. It will lie and deceive. This is why I believe in spirituality over religion. Religion is mind trick! It pretends to give us a place and a meaning, all while we miss the true purpose and potential of our life. Religion is suppressing and non-inclusive. How many have died in the name of religion? Many.

Make an effort for spirituality, not religion. Here’s how I know the difference. Spiritual endeavor makes for a blind journey into the unknown. If I dont remain with my awareness, this blind journey turns from beauty and growth to fear and confusion. So I must remain my consciousness. Religious endeavor makes me feel comfortable and included by the constuct of God. But it is unconscious and because it lacks awareness, I am only wandering farther and farther away from seeing the innate truthfulness of life. What people see as God in life is the projection if godly qualities which undoubtedly exist. Its take me consciousness to see this and also that if I sit very still with myself, I find that what I am is very empty and yet in another sense very full.

So I need to go. I have no destination. My pilgrimage will be an almost purely process oriented rather than goal oriented. I dont know when the time is coming, but every year it gets closer.

Erik H.

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